Belonging

Life is weird for folk like me that go through their whole life feeling like you never belong.
The way we get treated by those who are supposed to look out for us and care for us. Makes us believe we are worthless and don't deserve to belong anywhere.
Thing is kids are still being treated like this and having there lives ruined.
Its to late for someone like me. My life is ruined and I don't deserve to belong anywhere. However the kids in the system now and those coming into the system need our help. They need a system that works for them and gives them believe in themselves and the system.

TIME OF YEAR

IN KNOW WAY IS THIS ABOUT MY PAST
THIS IS ABOUT OUR YOUNG VULNERABLE KIDS STILL BEING TREATED IN THIS WAY


This time of year kills people like me who have been through this abuse perpetrated by social services.


You are starting a new year looking forward to spring, spending time with family and you remember all you have missed out on and lost.

I suppose with what I've been speaking about in my last few blog's you'll think its all negative stuff. However there are a number of pseudo-positive things that happen because of our past. They are-

1) You become very self reliant
2) You learn not to rely on others or share anything important with anyone
3) You build a large wall, a shell if you will to protect you from the hurt of loss
4) You keep others at arms length again to protect yourself from pain
5) You build an external front of brashness and aggression this prevents strangers from even trying to get to know you
6) When you do accept someone into your friendship they will always be there and you will always protect them
7) You learn very quickly who you are, the real you, including all your bad points


All of this means you can become a drain on society and the health service. I have been receiving treatment for my mental health for over 4 decades. Surely the right way to carry out care for our young folk is to make sure their childhood is such that they don't need this sort of mental health care. Social services though have learned nothing over those 4 decades! They still treat kids in a way that removes their human rights, it creates future problems for our health service but most importantly it prevents these young folk from becoming a credit to themselves, it prevents them from being able to put something back into they're community.


COME ONE PEOPLE THIS IS WRONG! WHEN WILL WE TELL THEM IT IS NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE?

sorry

I'd like to apologise if anyone felt my last blog post was full of self pity about the past.


I am feeling sorry for myself and I am feeling real low but that is not why I posted that last entry here.
There are kids in our country who are suffering today what I suffered decades ago and that is wrong. Our children deserve the best we can do for them always. They deserve parents who love them and care for them most of all they deserve a society that is fair and will always put those children first.

If any child has been abused in any manner then it is the responsibility of our society to provide them not only with sufficient care but with the best treatment they can to eradicate any negativity from the abuse these poor kids suffer. Our social services should be looking not only for suitable homes where these poor kids are cared for but they should ensure all that can be done for their mental and physical well being is done at the same time.



So if anyone felt I was posting with self pity then sorry. My self pity is kept inside and bottled up so tight that no one will see it.

The effects all this has on me

I suppose I should start with what you see if you were looking at me.

I am 5ft 10ins tall covered with tattoo's and until recently shaved my head.
Then I can be a bit in your face a bit loud and opinionated.
So outwardly I seem to be a confident self assured 54 yr old man. However appearances can be very deceptive.

Thanks to what social services did with my family I-
1) Have serious abandonment issues
2) Have lots of acquaintances but very very few true friends, being truthful with myself I have one
3) I find it very difficult to trust people
4) Find talking about stuff that truly matters impossible other than with that one true friend
5) There is one person I let close enough to really know me and not the front I put on for others
6) Days like tomorrow (Christmas) are a nightmare I can't enjoy it as I am always thinking of what I lost all those years that will never be made up for



Basically I have become a very dysfunctional man.  Dealing with folk online is easy, they will never see the real me the man that is so frightened of being sussed out as being useless. they will never know what I fraud I am but most importantly they will never close enough to hurt me.


That is why on Christmas eve I am sat on my own with my thoughts, my mobile switched of and my land line pulled out from the wall so no one can contact me. They won't need to hear the wreck I am sat crying and worrying about loss of the past and knowing because of who I am the loss that will come in the future.
I sit here knowing that in real life all I do is cause pain suffering for all those who get to know me.  Over the last few years I have realized that I cause so much pain to those that get real close and it tears me apart how I hurt those few special folk who take the time to see past the mask.



I do not write any of this to gain sympathy or have folk say oh what a shame for that poor man.

The reason I am writing this is so all those poor kids still going through this today in the 21st century have a voice and may not need to go through what I am if WE can change the way social services deal with adopted/fostered children.


I mean seriously these kids have been damaged by some kind of abuse that's why they're in care normally. Social services come along and through their ineptitude make matters worse created kids that suffer so badly for decades to come.
They give kids who already have abandonment issues and trust issues a future marred with so much strife and distress that they can't be adequate, they become a drain on the system (as I did for years) but most importantly they remove the children s basic human rights in an age when even Child Abusers get treated leniently because if not their human rights have been infringed.

Who deserves these human rights more the abuser or the abused child?




Tonight as every Christmas I am hurting. It's to late to change me or what happened but please don't let us fail children who are still being treated like this!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christmas

At this time of year more than any other, we realise how important family is.

Imagine then knowing you have siblings but not knowing where they are. If they're all right. Nothing.
There are 1700 kids in Scotland who have no contact with their siblings thanks to social services.

So when your sat with your family this festive season please spare a thought for those kids who can't even say hello to their brother or sister.

I know this won't be acceptable to some of you but these kids deserve the HUMAN RIGHT of knowing who they're family are and where they love.

Effects on others

These pictures show my niece and nephew at their Christmas carol concert yesterday.

It was a weird day.

To start with a 3hr drive to get there, after picking my son up, he would meet his cousins for the first time and he is 29. Then I met a lovely lass that at one point had been my sister in law. Now that I had ever met her, social services wouldn't allow it. With her was my niece who looks so much like my mum it's scary. Every time I see it brings a lump to my throat, not that I have seen her often, only once actually another thing they stopped.

Then of to my brothers house to see him and his with their 3 kids. This again is something that social services would rather had never happened. We both spent a great afternoon just chilling having a cuppa and chatting. I wish I could spend more time with them but the distance makes that hard.

My nephew and niece at their carol concert

my nephew

my niece

My nephew and niece at their carol concert

We then went to my niece and nephews Christmas carol concert which was just amazing. I didn't understand the parts in Gaelic but it was an awesome night. 

On the way home my son and I were lucky enough to see a barn owl, 2 female red deer and a very large red deer stag.

A great end to an amazing day, well other than the 3 hr drive lol.

After I dropped my son of I went home and had a cuppa it had been a long day. Left home at 9.30am and returned around 11.30pm but oh so worth it.

Then the mind kicks into gear. All those thoughts about what might have been.


When I was thinking all of them I realized that this abuse by social services did not just effect my brother's sister and I. It effected the 9 kids who are my nephews and nieces one of whom it looks like I will never meet, my 3 kids and their 7 kids, my ex wife and my brothers 2 ex wives.

That means including my 3 siblings and myself social services have abused and altered the life of 26 people for no good reason.
They are still doing this please don't allow it to continue speak up and make them listen abuse of children by the state like this is so wrong and must stop!

what the professionals say

Here is a what some professionals say. As in domestic adoption, children may also be separated from siblings who have remained either living with the birth parents or other birth family relatives. And, of course, different families may adopt siblings. When adoptive parents know that siblings are living with other adoptive parents, they usually want to connect with each other. Unfortunately, many times parents only know that the sibling was adopted by another family, with no other information available to them. Honor the Connections Just as adoptive parents honor the connections to birth parents, it is important that all who touch the lives of children in foster care and adoption give serious consideration to sibling relationships. Whether the goal is to maintain a strong sibling connection, heal sibling relationships, or foster new connections, these ties should not be broken. What about the children who have no information about siblings? It is painful for parents to say and for children to hear, “I don’t know.” Most parents will try everything possible to get as much information as possible for their children. But sometimes the reality is just that it isn’t possible. Because of China’s one child policy and no available information, many children may speculate, and rightfully so, about the possibility that they were the “second born” and have an older brother or sister. Children in domestic or international adoption may also wonder if their parents went on to have other children. These quotes are from this link if anyone wants to read the whole thing. http://www.adoptionsupport.org/pub/docs/sibling_bonds09copyright.pdf It does show that social services still split families and still prevent contact after adoption/fostering.

Why?

As you can see from my earlier posts here my situation had a positive ending. I found my family after a real struggle but we all got there and now are very happy all 4 siblings in touch and enjoying each others company. My involvement with social services and social workers started back in the late 60's. Now we are in the 21st century and you would think things had moved on. You'd think lessons would have been learned over the last 40 years. Sadly to say they have not! After the second newspaper article about my case I was approached in the shops by a young lass asking how I went about things. Her mum was in a worse position to me she was searching for her biological mother and had nothing but a first name. No surname, no date of birth, nothing. How wrong is this. Then I learned that we now need charities to keep siblings re-united. The powers that separate them have no conscious. T they think once that decision is made they won't ever need to see each other again. I won't gain anything from creating a fuss over this but I can't just sit and do nothing. Surely these situations are still happening they are still splitting families up they are still keeping siblings apart for what reason I don't know BUT ITS WRONG! I can't/won't sit and allow other kids to feel the way I did! I will fight this corrupt system until these so called professional people see that keeping siblings apart is the wrong decision and needs changing NOW!

Friends help

It should be made clear at this point that if not for 2 people Roy would never have gotten to the point where he re-united his family. One was a friend who he hadn't seen since high school, a lovely lass called June who heard about Roy's search and went out of her way to give advice and offer help to a man not seen for 30 years. The second was a G+ friend Sunnie Moon. Who gave Roy so much support throughout the later part of his search he doubts he would have made it without her. So a massive thank you to both these amazing people who gave so much of themselves to help Roy!

Following years

During Roy's adult years, from age 18 when he got married to 2010. He contacted social services several times probably getting toward 20 to 25 times. Each time he was told for one reason or another he could not have contact with his siblings. The only reason he was given that may have had some merit was the following. As part of his family had been adopted and he had not been there was an assumption that there had been abuse within the family setting and that (aged 9) he was part of that abuse. Surely anyone would find it difficult to think that a 9 year old could be part of such a thing without being coxed into by an adult. However there is a limited logic behind that thinking. Roy had always had self worth issues and that meant when these professional people were saying that he was not a worthwhile man to meet his brother and sister he believed them ran away and hid. Feeling worse about himself than he had prior to seeking help. At this point I feel I should say that in no way am I saying that all social workers are bad or that they do a bad job. There are good social workers but they are restricted by a system that no longer works for this day and age. Around 2009 Roy, thanks to his new found faith, decided that he would just keep going this time till he found them. He once again contacted social services and got an even worse response than normal. He was told that he did not exist that he had never been in the care system and they had no record of him. Thankfully during the years prior to this Roy had received a copy of his social work record. They then asked if he could take it to them and allow them to read it and see if they could help. The day arrived and he went to Kircaldy spoke to a social worker, who asked if they could keep his file. No Roy replied you can copy it but your keeping it. Which they did and he left there being told he would be contacted with a result as to if they could help or not. He received no reply and worse still thinks that they only spoke to him to gain a copy of his record in case he wanted to sue them. So after this knock back Roy went home chanted about things and tried to think how he could move forward from here. He knew, or thought he did, that Ian and Lorna had been re-homed to a farming couple in St Andrews. So he contacted a local paper to there the St Andrews Citizen. His original inquiry was asking if they would run an advert for him asking for information relating to his lost siblings. They were amazing and offered to run a feature story about his plight. The response from this however was not what he'd hoped for. He did receive a single piece of useful information. Roy had set up an email account purely for the emails relating to this article. he received one email from a vicar saying 'I had an illegitimate son and had no information about his name or his family. All he had was a date of birth. He told Roy that the only time your date of birth appears on the voters role is the year you turn 18'. So if you start with a date of birth you can try and trace someone using the voters role. So Roy set out to check the voters role. making appointments at local archive centers. He searched every voters role starting with St Andrews and finally searching the entire voters role for his county. This was rather tedious and took a long time plus proved to be fruitless. Being a little disheartened he once again went home and chanted about the situation. He decided to broaden the search and went to broaden his search. He made appointments with archive centers in the Perth & Kinross area and once more began searching voters roles. His way of thinking was there can't be many twins born on the same day in Scotland all he had to do was fins that entry that would give him a starting point. Once again disheartened and having covered all of East Central Scotland he was at a loss how to proceed. However Roy thought if one newspaper had helped maybe a second would. He contacted The Dundee Courier and asked if they would be interested and they said they would run a feature article as well. Roy was stunned never believing he was worth anything un-yet here were 2 newspaper who felt his story was worth running. This one proved to be the golden ticket. The day the article appeared in the paper he received an email from his brother. That day will live in Roy's memory for the rest of his life. He had found them and completed his family. Now he could do what he should have done back in 1968, he could be the big brother and care for ALL his family.

?

Went to visit a friend tonight and ended up discussing what has wound me up and caused me to write this. What an argument. Seemingly its not for the likes of me to influence how anyone thinks. If things are wrong within the care system, which they doubt, then the government will do something about it. These friends doubt what I'm saying ever happened and wonder about the mentality of a man my age (54) who would make that up. Can you believe that? Am I wrong in thinking that kids who have family, brothers & sisters, should be in touch with other?

The Problem

The previous posts have been background really what I want to shout about is the continued use of power by social workers that prevent families from being together. I don't mean parents that are abusive, I mean siblings! There should never be a time when kids don't know about their siblings or know they can get in touch with them if they need to. After Roy left the children s home Paul and him were settled for the following 8 years. Roy could talk for such a long time about those years and what happened but it is not relevant to this tale or the problem that he feels is still happening in our society. The only relevant factor's during those years he supposes was this. Social workers who came to visit him not very frequently decided that he couldn't talk freely in the foster home so they would meet at a local hall where he could talk more openly. During one of these sessions he was told that he could not have any contact with the twins for the following reason. When part of a family is adopted and part of it is fostered the system back then made the assumption that, the children who are in foster care were part of an abusive relationship within the family set up. This meant that after such a decision the foster kids could never contact the adopted ones. Since the death of his gran really Roy had struggled with self worth and believing that he was worthy of having a family. This statement by social workers created such a down for him that he really struggled with life. this meant he no longer felt he had the speak to his siblings. It did continue to trouble him and cause problems between Paul and Roy. It became obvious that Paul felt Roy being the eldest it was his responsibility to create contact between the family so he tried again. During his time in foster care Roy had been told that the twins had been homed with a farming family near St Andrews. As he had worked on farms since age 12 he felt a possible solution to his problems and the difficulty social services had re- foster and adoptive care was. He could work on the farm as a casual laborer for free just to see that the twins were OK. That they were being cared for properly and were turning out OK. Once again the social services stopped that happening. The social worker he spoke to stated that it was her decision alone. She would decide if he could have any contact with the twins and her reply shocked him to tears. This is what she said 'I have to decide if you are a suitable person to be in touch with his siblings. In her opinion he was not suitable for such contact because he was not of sounds character and judgement to be allowed contact. So he would have to forget about them and improve his life on his own'. At this point Roy was around 15 years old he had had a traumatic start in life and now these people who had controlled all of it were saying they'd made such a great job of it that he had turned out to be a nasty kid and not trustworthy enough to be in touch with his own family. There were other issues that Roy would not discover for many years after this but can you imagine being told that at 15? This shows the way social services treat kids and the power they hold over the children's future. Thinking about these things now some 40+ years later is still upsetting. However Roy now has contact with both the twins and they have an awesome relationship. What he struggles with is that these things are still happening and social services still have similar wide ranging power over our young vulnerable people. Is it right they have this sort of power over our children? I don't think so and I think these laws should be changed to prevent separations like this from happening in the future.

Another short stay

Paul and Roy arrived at the children s home around 1 am and the place felt deserted. Roy thought another house that looks nice but how long this time. They were put straight into bed and they could hear other kids sleeping around them. They were in a semi-detached house but the two had been knocked through into a single building, yeah building because they both knew this would never be home. The only things that stay in Roy's memory about this place was, he got pocket money for the first time ever. Something he wouldn't have again for a long time. You gotta remember that all this was happening during the school summer holidays. The other thing that happened was they thought they'd teach Roy how to ride a bike and while trying he fell of and landing in a large patch of stinging nettles. That was a day he'd never forget. Like he'd thought this stay only lasted around 10 days. When they were of again, back to the village they were born in. To live with someone who had been a friend of they're mum. Would this help heal the pain? While all this was happening Lorna and Ian were taken from their home to a different children s home in St Andrews. It was so far away due to the fact that they were only 11 months old and still had nursing needs. Neither Roy nor Paul knew any of this at the time. Roy was so worried about them, he was the big brother it was his job to look after them. How could he when he didn't know where they were? Ian and Lorna where lucky, Roy discovered decades later, they were put up for adoption and were taken in by an amazing couple who still to this day care for them both. However it would be 43 year before they discovered where they're lost siblings were. Actually again Roy discovered decades later that they didn't know he existed. I mean seriously that is so wrong folks and the whole point of this blog. This still happens today in the 21st century. We need to stop families like this being split up and ruined because of social services, social workers and this Victorian system the government still think works!

Why I had to do this!

Few weeks ago in the UK it was national adoption week. I watched an item on a TV show and they had this poor laddie who had been being abused by his parents and been removed from their care. I agree that should have happened. However, part of the abuse was that this poor 4 yr old had been used to look after younger siblings, in the parental role. Which is so so wrong. The social worker on TV, were this poor kid was being shown nation wide as needing a family and could you be that family. Then said he had to be homed separately from his siblings but he would need continual access with his siblings. Yeah I thought they eventually seen sense. HOWEVER THIS CONTACT HAD TO BE ONCE PER YEAR!!!! Can you believe that BS. Then I see a charity set up here in Scotland to assist adopted/fostered kids in having sibling contact. I sat here thinking can this seriously be the 21st century? Have these so called intelligent social workers learned nothing from previous mistakes? So I am going to try and make as many folk as possible aware of this situation so IT WILL STOP! It won't affect my situation anymore but the thought of kids still going through this scares me so much. LET US STOP IT NOW!!!

Week after

The week after. During the week after Roy's mum had died, his mum was buried and he was sent on a train journey into a life he dreaded. He'd never been on a train before and it was a little like an adventure for him but what was going to happen? The train journey, with his grand dad, was the first thing in what felt like ever to Roy that had taken his mind to someplace that was not evil and nasty. He adored the sounds and smell of the steam train, the views of places he had never heard of were awesome. The world seemed to be getting greener the further they went. It was good to know Paul was going to be there what ever the future held. He was still so small he didn't understand what was happening. Well Roy didn't either all he knew was his family had been split and would never be the same. Then we all arrived in Somerset. The house they arrived at was similar to the one they'd left. It made Roy feel a little better but then they got inside and there were 2 other kids here. Were they trying to replace the twins? This place of refuge, as the boys had been told it would be, was not to last long though. Roy and Paul's Aunt and Uncle who had given them a house were bringing up their own two sons, the other two kids, so needed financial assistance from social services or someone to allow them to keep Roy and Paul. However Somerset social services had not been told about the boys relocation down south. They felt that what had happened was wrong and that both boys would be better of back in Scotland with folk that spoke as they did etc. So after 10 days they were back on the train heading to Edinburgh. Where they would be collected by a social worker. On the day of the return journey there was a train strike to start at midnight. So things were going to be tight for their Uncle who was bringing them north. He would just have time to drop them of before returning south to his family. Once again the boys were being abandoned by their family. On arrival at Edinburgh there was no one to meet them. They stood waiting until Uncle Derek spoke to a police man. Who went and spoke to someone through one of them wee blue phone box things. He returned to say social services were on their way. When the social worker arrived she spoke to no one, she pulled up and took both boys by the arm and put them in the car. Neither boy heard what was being said to their Uncle but that was that. They wouldn't see either Aunt or Uncle for decades. They were now taken to a Children's Care Home. Their family had abandoned them for this seriously?

The following is what happened the weekend my family started to be broken up by social services. THE WEEKEND Leaving for school that Friday in June 1968 life was good, he had his ninth birthday a few weeks back and was feeling like a big boy now not long till high school. It had been a good year, Roy had gotten a new brother and sister last year. It was however a school day and he still had to deal with the bullies and get home before the weekend could become better. School had been a normal day and like all wee boys he was enjoying the sunny day but running up the road whistling as always, The bullies had not got to him today a great start to the weekend. Getting to the bottom of the cul-de-sac something felt wrong, it was to quite. There was an ambulance at the top so near Roy's house. He started to worry more why was it there? He sprinted up to the house and couldn't get inside even Bruce his boxer was in the garden. He was taken round the end of the block into the back garden with Roy to play. Playing didn't sound like a great idea though, he wanted to know what was happening inside. He stood at the back door waiting for someone coming to tell him. The back door opened what seemed like days later but was probably nearer 15 minutes. It wasn't mum it was Auntie Mary. Roy started crying where was his mum? That’s when it started. The 4 kids would be split up till mum got home. Paul was going to Auntie Mary's, Ian and Lorna (the twins) were going with Auntie Chrissie and Roy would be left here with his mum's boyfriend. Everyone told him it would be all right and Mum would be back before he went back to school on Monday. They expected him to be out playing as if it was any other weekend. The worry bothered him lots and he spent a lot of that weekend sitting on the door step wondering what was wrong. Some of the the time he went and saw the twins and Paul but not for long because it wasn't right they should be in they're house not separate like this. Then Monday arrived, Roy went to school not thinking about the bullies just praying that when he got home Mum would be back. The weekend had been miserable without her but it would be over soon. He couldn't even remember what he'd done with the weekend. Didn't want to chat with anyone at school just wanted to get home. The day dragged so much and never seemed to be ending. Eventually the bell rang and it was time to go home. He bolted for the door not because of the bullies for once Roy just wanted home. It was a typical day in Fife overcast and miserable like the mood this poor laddie was in. He run so fast up the road desperate to be home and cuddle his mum, tell her he'd missed her. Getting to the base of the cul-de-sac there was no ambulance, he had expected one, but there were way to many cars. Running even faster now so out of breathe. He got to the door and ran inside but Mum wasn't there. Everyone was crying, he was told to sit down and listen. MUM HAS DIED There would be no more cuddles. Not only that but there were people he didn't know sat there chatting about the four of them. Where were they going to live? Who would be taking who? Why couldn't they just live here? Where was mum's boyfriend going? It was oh so confusing and he couldn't think. The tears wouldn't stop and these outsiders where saying he'd have to move to England. The twins would be somewhere else and Paul would be with Roy. Would anything ever be normal again?