The effects all this has on me

I suppose I should start with what you see if you were looking at me.

I am 5ft 10ins tall covered with tattoo's and until recently shaved my head.
Then I can be a bit in your face a bit loud and opinionated.
So outwardly I seem to be a confident self assured 54 yr old man. However appearances can be very deceptive.

Thanks to what social services did with my family I-
1) Have serious abandonment issues
2) Have lots of acquaintances but very very few true friends, being truthful with myself I have one
3) I find it very difficult to trust people
4) Find talking about stuff that truly matters impossible other than with that one true friend
5) There is one person I let close enough to really know me and not the front I put on for others
6) Days like tomorrow (Christmas) are a nightmare I can't enjoy it as I am always thinking of what I lost all those years that will never be made up for



Basically I have become a very dysfunctional man.  Dealing with folk online is easy, they will never see the real me the man that is so frightened of being sussed out as being useless. they will never know what I fraud I am but most importantly they will never close enough to hurt me.


That is why on Christmas eve I am sat on my own with my thoughts, my mobile switched of and my land line pulled out from the wall so no one can contact me. They won't need to hear the wreck I am sat crying and worrying about loss of the past and knowing because of who I am the loss that will come in the future.
I sit here knowing that in real life all I do is cause pain suffering for all those who get to know me.  Over the last few years I have realized that I cause so much pain to those that get real close and it tears me apart how I hurt those few special folk who take the time to see past the mask.



I do not write any of this to gain sympathy or have folk say oh what a shame for that poor man.

The reason I am writing this is so all those poor kids still going through this today in the 21st century have a voice and may not need to go through what I am if WE can change the way social services deal with adopted/fostered children.


I mean seriously these kids have been damaged by some kind of abuse that's why they're in care normally. Social services come along and through their ineptitude make matters worse created kids that suffer so badly for decades to come.
They give kids who already have abandonment issues and trust issues a future marred with so much strife and distress that they can't be adequate, they become a drain on the system (as I did for years) but most importantly they remove the children s basic human rights in an age when even Child Abusers get treated leniently because if not their human rights have been infringed.

Who deserves these human rights more the abuser or the abused child?




Tonight as every Christmas I am hurting. It's to late to change me or what happened but please don't let us fail children who are still being treated like this!!!!!!!!!!!!