I heard this quote on a TV programme today and realised this is why I write this blog.
Body and soul cannot be separated for purpose of treatment. For they are one an indivisible. Sick minds must be healed as well as sick bodies. Dr Jeff Miller.
This made me realise that I have been under psychiatric treatment since 1965, not all of it due to social services. Now in my 50's I realise that if social services had done a better job, or even if they had tried to do the job they are paid for then perhaps I might not be in this situation.
However they did not learn from past mistakes and our vulnerable children are still being treated in the same manner. With so much disregard for they're future mental health and for such a cost both financial and a lack of young folk who can contribute, to our society.
Let us force them to change the way they deal with young folk NOW!
My apologise to anyone I have offended over recent weeks. The silly season as I call it makes me a little crazy. Bet you didn't notice lol. But please speak about this scandal being done to our young vulnerable kids!
Saturday 4 January 2014
Friday 3 January 2014
new year
Over the last week or two I've spent a lot of time in thought about these kids who are suffering today because social services can't or won't learn any lessons from their past mistakes.
I know it might not seem like it but I find it very difficult to talk about what happened to me. In real life that is, on here where it's kinda anonymous its easy because no one really knows me. In real life there is only one person who knows how I feel and why.
Since finding out that these things are still happening it has kinda got to me and wound me up. So I thought I'd be brutally honest about these things here. See if it makes anyone think or hopefully do something about it all.
I won't go into what happened but rather speak about the effects my past has on me today some 40years later.
To start with daily living. I find it very difficult to be among crowds or with new people. There are even a few places I'd like to go that I don't because there will be large crowds there. Trying to interact with folk I don't know just makes me so scared I start shaking. Over recent weeks I fell out with a guy I had been friends with for over 20 years because of all this. He felt it wasn't my place to argue anyone's case other than my own and since I had found my siblings I could just forget it ever happened. Well NO I can't because there are kids now in their formative years who will be learning life as I did and becoming so dysfunctional they won't have a life!
Anyone who knows me will find this hard to believe but when I go for the weekly shop I need a list of what to buy and where to buy it or I get so confused I don't get anything.
When there is a disagreement in the family I end up shaking and become so frightened of what will happen that I stay away from family members rather than face the argument. This is better than what I used to do when I would just start hitting folk.
When I do my hobbies, all of which are things done on your own, I never think my work is good enough and end up throwing most of it away. My writing until recently all ended up binned No one got to see it because I was to embarrassed about writing. See as a child in care I had been told any male that wrote about emotions must be homosexual and not a proper man. As for my art work well they said it made me look not only like a big girl but like a gay big girl at that. Even when I played clarinet and saxophone in the school band that meant the same thing. Playing rugby however didn't reverse of those gay things. So my self worth and self esteem have always been low and at times becomes non existent. It's only because of the internet and the anonymity that comes with it that anyone has seen my work.
I became so homophobic because of these things it caused major problems in my life. Re-enforcing the believe held by me that I was worthless and I was a person no one would want as a friend. I have always had problems making true friends all because of social services.
Trying to be a normal lad when I was young was never going happen. I never dated anyone younger than me just in case it ended up being my sister. Can you imagine the mental scars that puts on a young lad?
I Know a fair amount of what I am saying here is self pity and that I should grow up as they say. However when I know that social services are still doing the same thing to kids NOW I get emotional and wonder what will it take for these so called educated people to learn what they are doing is wrong?
Every year at Christmas/new year I become a bit of a recluse because I convince myself that no one will care how I feel or want to know what I am going through. This creates my self pity and is another thing, created by social services that limits what I can and can't do. I mean who ever heard of Scotsman that didn't mix at new year?
Even now I am sat with my phones switched of so I don't bring others down to my level especially those few folk I care about. Suppose I should be thankful that I am not trying to kill myself as I have in the past.
Social Services your a bunch of NUMPTIES!
I know it might not seem like it but I find it very difficult to talk about what happened to me. In real life that is, on here where it's kinda anonymous its easy because no one really knows me. In real life there is only one person who knows how I feel and why.
Since finding out that these things are still happening it has kinda got to me and wound me up. So I thought I'd be brutally honest about these things here. See if it makes anyone think or hopefully do something about it all.
I won't go into what happened but rather speak about the effects my past has on me today some 40years later.
To start with daily living. I find it very difficult to be among crowds or with new people. There are even a few places I'd like to go that I don't because there will be large crowds there. Trying to interact with folk I don't know just makes me so scared I start shaking. Over recent weeks I fell out with a guy I had been friends with for over 20 years because of all this. He felt it wasn't my place to argue anyone's case other than my own and since I had found my siblings I could just forget it ever happened. Well NO I can't because there are kids now in their formative years who will be learning life as I did and becoming so dysfunctional they won't have a life!
Anyone who knows me will find this hard to believe but when I go for the weekly shop I need a list of what to buy and where to buy it or I get so confused I don't get anything.
When there is a disagreement in the family I end up shaking and become so frightened of what will happen that I stay away from family members rather than face the argument. This is better than what I used to do when I would just start hitting folk.
When I do my hobbies, all of which are things done on your own, I never think my work is good enough and end up throwing most of it away. My writing until recently all ended up binned No one got to see it because I was to embarrassed about writing. See as a child in care I had been told any male that wrote about emotions must be homosexual and not a proper man. As for my art work well they said it made me look not only like a big girl but like a gay big girl at that. Even when I played clarinet and saxophone in the school band that meant the same thing. Playing rugby however didn't reverse of those gay things. So my self worth and self esteem have always been low and at times becomes non existent. It's only because of the internet and the anonymity that comes with it that anyone has seen my work.
I became so homophobic because of these things it caused major problems in my life. Re-enforcing the believe held by me that I was worthless and I was a person no one would want as a friend. I have always had problems making true friends all because of social services.
Trying to be a normal lad when I was young was never going happen. I never dated anyone younger than me just in case it ended up being my sister. Can you imagine the mental scars that puts on a young lad?
I Know a fair amount of what I am saying here is self pity and that I should grow up as they say. However when I know that social services are still doing the same thing to kids NOW I get emotional and wonder what will it take for these so called educated people to learn what they are doing is wrong?
Every year at Christmas/new year I become a bit of a recluse because I convince myself that no one will care how I feel or want to know what I am going through. This creates my self pity and is another thing, created by social services that limits what I can and can't do. I mean who ever heard of Scotsman that didn't mix at new year?
Even now I am sat with my phones switched of so I don't bring others down to my level especially those few folk I care about. Suppose I should be thankful that I am not trying to kill myself as I have in the past.
Social Services your a bunch of NUMPTIES!
Monday 30 December 2013
Belonging
Life is weird for folk like me that go through their whole life feeling like you never belong.
The way we get treated by those who are supposed to look out for us and care for us. Makes us believe we are worthless and don't deserve to belong anywhere.
Thing is kids are still being treated like this and having there lives ruined.
Its to late for someone like me. My life is ruined and I don't deserve to belong anywhere. However the kids in the system now and those coming into the system need our help. They need a system that works for them and gives them believe in themselves and the system.
Sunday 29 December 2013
TIME OF YEAR
IN KNOW WAY IS THIS ABOUT MY PAST
THIS IS ABOUT OUR YOUNG VULNERABLE KIDS STILL BEING TREATED IN THIS WAY
This time of year kills people like me who have been through this abuse perpetrated by social services.
You are starting a new year looking forward to spring, spending time with family and you remember all you have missed out on and lost.
I suppose with what I've been speaking about in my last few blog's you'll think its all negative stuff. However there are a number of pseudo-positive things that happen because of our past. They are-
1) You become very self reliant
2) You learn not to rely on others or share anything important with anyone
3) You build a large wall, a shell if you will to protect you from the hurt of loss
4) You keep others at arms length again to protect yourself from pain
5) You build an external front of brashness and aggression this prevents strangers from even trying to get to know you
6) When you do accept someone into your friendship they will always be there and you will always protect them
7) You learn very quickly who you are, the real you, including all your bad points
All of this means you can become a drain on society and the health service. I have been receiving treatment for my mental health for over 4 decades. Surely the right way to carry out care for our young folk is to make sure their childhood is such that they don't need this sort of mental health care. Social services though have learned nothing over those 4 decades! They still treat kids in a way that removes their human rights, it creates future problems for our health service but most importantly it prevents these young folk from becoming a credit to themselves, it prevents them from being able to put something back into they're community.
COME ONE PEOPLE THIS IS WRONG! WHEN WILL WE TELL THEM IT IS NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE?
THIS IS ABOUT OUR YOUNG VULNERABLE KIDS STILL BEING TREATED IN THIS WAY
This time of year kills people like me who have been through this abuse perpetrated by social services.
You are starting a new year looking forward to spring, spending time with family and you remember all you have missed out on and lost.
I suppose with what I've been speaking about in my last few blog's you'll think its all negative stuff. However there are a number of pseudo-positive things that happen because of our past. They are-
1) You become very self reliant
2) You learn not to rely on others or share anything important with anyone
3) You build a large wall, a shell if you will to protect you from the hurt of loss
4) You keep others at arms length again to protect yourself from pain
5) You build an external front of brashness and aggression this prevents strangers from even trying to get to know you
6) When you do accept someone into your friendship they will always be there and you will always protect them
7) You learn very quickly who you are, the real you, including all your bad points
All of this means you can become a drain on society and the health service. I have been receiving treatment for my mental health for over 4 decades. Surely the right way to carry out care for our young folk is to make sure their childhood is such that they don't need this sort of mental health care. Social services though have learned nothing over those 4 decades! They still treat kids in a way that removes their human rights, it creates future problems for our health service but most importantly it prevents these young folk from becoming a credit to themselves, it prevents them from being able to put something back into they're community.
COME ONE PEOPLE THIS IS WRONG! WHEN WILL WE TELL THEM IT IS NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE?
Friday 27 December 2013
sorry
I'd like to apologise if anyone felt my last blog post was full of self pity about the past.
I am feeling sorry for myself and I am feeling real low but that is not why I posted that last entry here.
There are kids in our country who are suffering today what I suffered decades ago and that is wrong. Our children deserve the best we can do for them always. They deserve parents who love them and care for them most of all they deserve a society that is fair and will always put those children first.
If any child has been abused in any manner then it is the responsibility of our society to provide them not only with sufficient care but with the best treatment they can to eradicate any negativity from the abuse these poor kids suffer. Our social services should be looking not only for suitable homes where these poor kids are cared for but they should ensure all that can be done for their mental and physical well being is done at the same time.
So if anyone felt I was posting with self pity then sorry. My self pity is kept inside and bottled up so tight that no one will see it.
I am feeling sorry for myself and I am feeling real low but that is not why I posted that last entry here.
There are kids in our country who are suffering today what I suffered decades ago and that is wrong. Our children deserve the best we can do for them always. They deserve parents who love them and care for them most of all they deserve a society that is fair and will always put those children first.
If any child has been abused in any manner then it is the responsibility of our society to provide them not only with sufficient care but with the best treatment they can to eradicate any negativity from the abuse these poor kids suffer. Our social services should be looking not only for suitable homes where these poor kids are cared for but they should ensure all that can be done for their mental and physical well being is done at the same time.
So if anyone felt I was posting with self pity then sorry. My self pity is kept inside and bottled up so tight that no one will see it.
Wednesday 25 December 2013
The effects all this has on me
I suppose I should start with what you see if you were looking at me.
I am 5ft 10ins tall covered with tattoo's and until recently shaved my head.
Then I can be a bit in your face a bit loud and opinionated.
So outwardly I seem to be a confident self assured 54 yr old man. However appearances can be very deceptive.
Thanks to what social services did with my family I-
1) Have serious abandonment issues
2) Have lots of acquaintances but very very few true friends, being truthful with myself I have one
3) I find it very difficult to trust people
4) Find talking about stuff that truly matters impossible other than with that one true friend
5) There is one person I let close enough to really know me and not the front I put on for others
6) Days like tomorrow (Christmas) are a nightmare I can't enjoy it as I am always thinking of what I lost all those years that will never be made up for
Basically I have become a very dysfunctional man. Dealing with folk online is easy, they will never see the real me the man that is so frightened of being sussed out as being useless. they will never know what I fraud I am but most importantly they will never close enough to hurt me.
That is why on Christmas eve I am sat on my own with my thoughts, my mobile switched of and my land line pulled out from the wall so no one can contact me. They won't need to hear the wreck I am sat crying and worrying about loss of the past and knowing because of who I am the loss that will come in the future.
I sit here knowing that in real life all I do is cause pain suffering for all those who get to know me. Over the last few years I have realized that I cause so much pain to those that get real close and it tears me apart how I hurt those few special folk who take the time to see past the mask.
I do not write any of this to gain sympathy or have folk say oh what a shame for that poor man.
The reason I am writing this is so all those poor kids still going through this today in the 21st century have a voice and may not need to go through what I am if WE can change the way social services deal with adopted/fostered children.
I mean seriously these kids have been damaged by some kind of abuse that's why they're in care normally. Social services come along and through their ineptitude make matters worse created kids that suffer so badly for decades to come.
They give kids who already have abandonment issues and trust issues a future marred with so much strife and distress that they can't be adequate, they become a drain on the system (as I did for years) but most importantly they remove the children s basic human rights in an age when even Child Abusers get treated leniently because if not their human rights have been infringed.
Who deserves these human rights more the abuser or the abused child?
Tonight as every Christmas I am hurting. It's to late to change me or what happened but please don't let us fail children who are still being treated like this!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am 5ft 10ins tall covered with tattoo's and until recently shaved my head.
Then I can be a bit in your face a bit loud and opinionated.
So outwardly I seem to be a confident self assured 54 yr old man. However appearances can be very deceptive.
Thanks to what social services did with my family I-
1) Have serious abandonment issues
2) Have lots of acquaintances but very very few true friends, being truthful with myself I have one
3) I find it very difficult to trust people
4) Find talking about stuff that truly matters impossible other than with that one true friend
5) There is one person I let close enough to really know me and not the front I put on for others
6) Days like tomorrow (Christmas) are a nightmare I can't enjoy it as I am always thinking of what I lost all those years that will never be made up for
Basically I have become a very dysfunctional man. Dealing with folk online is easy, they will never see the real me the man that is so frightened of being sussed out as being useless. they will never know what I fraud I am but most importantly they will never close enough to hurt me.
That is why on Christmas eve I am sat on my own with my thoughts, my mobile switched of and my land line pulled out from the wall so no one can contact me. They won't need to hear the wreck I am sat crying and worrying about loss of the past and knowing because of who I am the loss that will come in the future.
I sit here knowing that in real life all I do is cause pain suffering for all those who get to know me. Over the last few years I have realized that I cause so much pain to those that get real close and it tears me apart how I hurt those few special folk who take the time to see past the mask.
I do not write any of this to gain sympathy or have folk say oh what a shame for that poor man.
The reason I am writing this is so all those poor kids still going through this today in the 21st century have a voice and may not need to go through what I am if WE can change the way social services deal with adopted/fostered children.
I mean seriously these kids have been damaged by some kind of abuse that's why they're in care normally. Social services come along and through their ineptitude make matters worse created kids that suffer so badly for decades to come.
They give kids who already have abandonment issues and trust issues a future marred with so much strife and distress that they can't be adequate, they become a drain on the system (as I did for years) but most importantly they remove the children s basic human rights in an age when even Child Abusers get treated leniently because if not their human rights have been infringed.
Who deserves these human rights more the abuser or the abused child?
Tonight as every Christmas I am hurting. It's to late to change me or what happened but please don't let us fail children who are still being treated like this!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday 23 December 2013
Christmas
At this time of year more than any other, we realise how important family is.
Imagine then knowing you have siblings but not knowing where they are. If they're all right. Nothing.
There are 1700 kids in Scotland who have no contact with their siblings thanks to social services.
So when your sat with your family this festive season please spare a thought for those kids who can't even say hello to their brother or sister.
I know this won't be acceptable to some of you but these kids deserve the HUMAN RIGHT of knowing who they're family are and where they love.
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